My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
