i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
