is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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