she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
