you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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