Umm I'm too high to move.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
