Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
