Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
