Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
