don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
