There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
