Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
