I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
