OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
