I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
only if we run a train.
done.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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