I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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