I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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