My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
