Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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