I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We don't watch enough power rangers
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
