you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
