Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
