Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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