Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
