I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
