so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
