You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
