I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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