I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
