Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
