I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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