Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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