I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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