You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize