You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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