The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
