I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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