The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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