she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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