I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
