My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
