I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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