the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
