I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
