I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
