I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
