Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
