I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
