today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
