come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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