if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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