My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize