Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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