two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
