Kiss
Puke
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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