booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
