Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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