I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
