My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
