just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
