i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
