Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
