Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize