we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
sarcasm needs its own font
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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